The Unspoken Conversation About Sexual Consent and Coercive Control

While consensual swinging is a choice freely made by some adults, what these women described was something fundamentally different: relationships in which manipulation, intimidation and fear of the consequences of refusal replaced any meaningful ability to give or withhold consent.

Public reaction has prompted difficult but essential questions: How does someone find themselves going along with something they do not want? Why didn’t these women simply say no to their spouse’s demands—or leave?

The answers shed critical light on one of the most insidious and often misunderstood forms of domestic abuse: coercive control.

Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse in which one partner uses manipulation, intimidation, isolation and fear to gain power over the other person’s thoughts, choices and daily life.

The manipulation rarely begins with an outrageous demand. More often, it starts with seemingly isolated behaviors that become increasingly difficult to challenge. A partner insists on controlling the couple’s money. They discourage close relationships with family or friends. They monitor phones, track locations or demand constant updates. They react with anger, guilt or emotional withdrawal whenever they are told “no.”

Over months or even years, a victim’s world begins to shrink. Their confidence erodes. Saying no starts to feel dangerous, or simply pointless. By the time the demands become more extreme, they may agree to things they never wanted because compliance feels like the only safe option left. Research has found that patterns of coercive control can gradually erode a victim’s autonomy, making apparent consent to sexual activity less reflective of a free and voluntary choice.

Coercive control is often misunderstood because there may be no single incident that captures the full extent of the abuse. Instead, it is the cumulative pattern of manipulative behaviors that gradually strips away a person’s independence, confidence and autonomy. Recognizing those patterns is precisely why New Jersey law now specifically directs courts to consider evidence of coercive control in domestic violence cases.

What New Jersey law says about coercive control

In January 2024, Governor Murphy signed legislation (S1809) amending the New Jersey Prevention of Domestic Violence Act to formally recognize coercive control. Under the amended law, when deciding whether to issue a restraining order, courts must consider evidence of coercive control, defined as a pattern of behavior that, in purpose or effect, unreasonably interferes with another person’s free will and personal liberty.

The statute identifies conduct that may include:

• Isolating a person from friends, relatives or other sources of support.
• Depriving a person of basic necessities.
• Controlling or monitoring movements, communications, daily activities, finances or access to services.
• Compelling someone through force, threats or intimidation to engage in conduct they have the right to refuse—or preventing them from engaging in conduct they have the right to pursue.
• Threatening to harm a child or pet.
• Threatening to release private or sensitive information.

Anyone reading the BBC accounts will recognize how closely these categories align with what the women described, particularly the use of pressure and intimidation to compel unwanted sexual “swinger” activity and the fear of consequences if they refused.

If this sounds familiar

If you recognized parts of your own relationship while reading this article, know that you are not alone—and you do not have to wait to ask for help. If your partner routinely controls your choices, pressures you into unwanted sexual activity, isolates you from family and friends, monitors your communications, controls your finances or makes you afraid of what will happen if you say “no,” those are warning signs that coercive control may be present in your relationship.

If it is safe to do so, consider taking small, practical steps:

• Tell someone you trust what has been happening.
• Save text messages, emails, voicemails or photographs that document the pattern of controlling behavior.
• Keep a written record of incidents, including dates and what occurred.
• Develop a safety plan before confronting your partner or making plans to leave.
• Talk to a New Jersey family law attorney about your legal options, including the possibility of obtaining a restraining order or pursuing other legal remedies, including divorce.

Most importantly, remember this: Being manipulated into saying “yes” is not the same as freely choosing “yes.” If years of intimidation, fear or emotional pressure have made it feel impossible to refuse, it’s not your fault and help is available to you.

You do not have to face this alone

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. For confidential support, the New Jersey Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24 hours a day at 1-800-572-SAFE (1-800-572-7233), and the National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached at 1-800-799-7233. Advocates can help you think through safety planning, documentation and next steps at your own pace.

When you feel ready to explore your legal options, you do not have to navigate the process alone. An experienced family law attorney can explain your rights, discuss whether legal protections such as a restraining order may be appropriate, and help you develop a plan that prioritizes your safety and the safety of your children.

At Weinberger Divorce & Family Law Group, we have spent decades helping survivors of domestic violence throughout New Jersey. We understand that every situation is different, and we will meet you with compassion, respect and practical guidance—not judgment. Whether you are ready to take legal action or simply need to understand your options, we are here to help.

No one should ever feel pressured into unwanted sexual activity to keep a relationship intact or avoid conflict. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and freely given consent—not fear, manipulation or control.

Get Help Today: 888-888-0919